Sandra Bullock Almost Killed To Death By Drugged-Up Driver

April 20th, 2008 at 12:30 by Paul Sorrenti

Nineties heartthrob Sandra Bullock has narrowly escaped death after her car was hit by a drug-crazed female driver.

The drug in question is the one which is responsible for more deaths each year than cocaine, heroin and crack combined.

It is the one which is smelt on the breath of 40% of reported violent criminals, 78% of assaulters and 88% of criminal damagers.

Worst of all, it is the drug most responsible for the current record-breaking human-population on earth.

It's alcohol - obviously.

Sandra Bullock and her husband, Jesse James (a celebrity in his own right but, as you'll no doubt understand, not quite worthy of a mention in the headline), being driven by 55-year-old Mark Hussey (not a chance) were hit by a drunk driver in Gloucester, Mass., on Friday evening.

According to People, the driver of the offending vehicle has been identified by local cops as Lucille P. Gatchell, a 64 year old from Gloucester.

Police said Lucille's gray Subaru station wagon jumped lanes on East Main Street and crashed into the front end of their private car but, staying true to the celebrity-car-crash form-guide, not a sausage was injured.

Luckily Hussey had been driving at just 20 mph at the time. And we all know what would have happened if they'd been traveling at double that speed!

(Now, at this point, we have the choice of two comedy avenues to skip down; the first being a reference to that girl in the 'if you hit me at 40 mph I'll get mangled by a tree, but if you hit me at 30mph I'll just piss myself a little' adverts. And second, of course, is the 'it would trigger a bomb that Dennis Hopper will explode if you go under a certain speed' avenue)

(Both have their merits, but have been done and redone over the last 24 hours by publications less reputable than this, and we can't be seen - at least - to be delving to their level, so rather than wasting your time we'll just leave you with the following dilemma, before hurriedly moving on: If you were driving the Speed bus and that girl from the advert walked in the road, would you leave her wetting herself, or holding up that tree? It may happen one day)

The real star of this whole shebang, however, is, without a shadow of a doubt, Gloucester Police Lt. Gerry Cook, who commented:

It's unfortunate, but it shows you that no one is immune from drunk drivers, no matter how famous you are.

Now that man does deserve a mention in the headline! Finally someone is brave enough to stand up to the brainwashed masses who believe celebrities harbour special powers making it impossible for drunk drivers to collide with them.

You idiots! Wake up and smell the reality!

Lt. Cook continued:

They were shaken up, needless to say, But they were fine - he was hugging her. Jess and Sandra were hugging. They said they were fine, they didn't need medical attention. There were quite a few people snapping pictures of them…"

Lucille P. Gatchell was given a field sobriety test by officers. She blew a .20 on the breathalyzer (two and a half times the legal limit). She was arrested and booked for driving under the influence of alcohol and failure to stay in marked lanes.

She was later released on her own recognizance (recognizance: n. an obligation of record that is entered into before a court or magistrate, containing a condition to perform a particular act, such as making a court appearance) and shall be arraigned (arraigned: tr.v. to call (an accused person) before a court to answer the charge made against him or her by indictment, information, or complaint) on the charges this (this: pron. used to refer to the person or thing present, nearby, or just mentioned) coming Tuesday.