Flounda, it gets even funnier if you laugh while farting in church. Sounds like an M16 on automatic.
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0 Kudo
your best fart
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 penelope |
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(07/24/08 08:02 AM) |
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leftwingnut |
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(07/24/08 09:14 AM) |
I had this strange condition, many years ago... when I farted, the noise always sounded like "Honda." Every goddamned time..
"Honda...honda...honda..."
It was really embarrassing, especially after one of them Miane baked-bean suppas... Anyway, a friend recommended a doctor to me -- said he specialized in this sort of thing. So I went to see the good Doc, and he immediately knew the remedy, although the mechanistic connection still eludes me. He sent me to the dentist for a thoro8gh examination and, sure enough, I had an abscesses tooth that required a root canal. As soon as the procedure was done, my farts made the normal raspberry sound. I asked the good doc why the root canal would fix a fart problem... he just said... "Abscess make the fart go Honda." To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.-Theodore Roosevelt, The Kansas City Star, May 7, 1918 |
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oldhippie01930 |
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(07/24/08 09:48 AM) Administrator |
flounda wrote: That's got to be funnier than one in a space suit.
Here are some fun fart factoids... • On average, a fart is composed of about 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane and 4 percent oxygen. Less
than 1 percent of their makeup is what makes farts stink.
• People fart even shortly after death. • Men are most likely to fart in the bathroom in the morning (aka "Morning Thunder"). • It really IS possible to ignite a fart. • Turtles, fish, snakes and other reptiles all fart, as do cats and dogs. • Termite farts are believed to be a major contributor to global warming. • Farting up in space would propel you forward. See? Everything you never wanted to know about farting! Hopefully your day is now complete and the watercooler chat a work tomorrow will be that much more colorful.
Last Edited By: oldhippie01930
07/24/08 09:55 AM.
Edited 1 times.
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Evelyn |
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(07/24/08 10:34 AM) Administrator |
Many years ago while in high school, we were visiting friends and my brother got up in the morning to make his infamous morning thunder, felt embarassed by the
scent because of being in someone else's (one bathroom) home, Lit a match mid-loaf and tossed it into the toilet and yes, indeed, it popped in flames,
scorched the toilet seat, relieved him of much of his nether hairs, and literally scared the shit outta him.
Our friends took the toilet seat off and replaced it, but kept the charred wreckage hanging over the throne as a warning to others. Heh. |
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Evelyn |
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(07/24/08 10:37 AM) Administrator |
Favorites comments to offer up when someone lays a good one:
(for a spattery sounding one) "Need a stick to clean off your leg?" (for an educational experience) "Do farts have lumps?" (to recognize general excellence) "That's a rhino stopper!" |
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cp |
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(07/24/08 10:37 AM) |
Ev.............THAT is funny!!
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mya crakstinks |
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(07/24/08 10:48 AM) |
a friend of mine cut one in taxi the fart smell and the drivers smell middle eastern man made me sick i threw up
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o Realist o |
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(07/24/08 10:52 AM) |
crak, use nose plugs next time you're in a taxi with middle-eastern driver.
~ a popsicle smile reaps what it sows ~ |
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Zannylicious |
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(07/24/08 11:09 AM) |
Turtles DO fart.... We have a Red Eared Slider, & I have actually seen the bubbles come out of it's ass
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Zannylicious |
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(07/24/08 11:11 AM) |
But me...I rarely pass gas, but when I do, it comes out pink and glittery, and it smells like candy, and people cry when it goes away.
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Sigurdr |
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(07/24/08 11:14 AM) |
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Evelyn |
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(07/24/08 11:18 AM) Administrator |
"But me...I rarely pass gas, but when I do, it comes out pink and glittery, and it smells like candy, and people cry when it goes away."
Zanny, honey, take your meds........ |
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oldhippie01930 |
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(07/24/08 11:22 AM) Administrator |
Zannylicious wrote:Jeeze, Zanny. I really don't know which of these is the better, but you are friggin killing me!!!!!
Last Edited By: oldhippie01930
07/24/08 11:27 AM.
Edited 1 times.
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Evelyn |
watch out for this one at the beach....... | ||
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(07/24/08 11:24 AM) Administrator |
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Zannylicious |
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(07/24/08 11:29 AM) |
OH... really...
I swear to Christ hanging on the Cross, I saw my turtle fart... |
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Evelyn |
you shouldn't ever encourage me on this subject....heh.... | ||
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(07/24/08 11:41 AM) Administrator |
Some years ago, my spouse and three teenage kids were on the crowded train to NYC sitting in the lead seats which face each other just behind the doors. At the
Stamford station (the last stop before Grand Central and about a 40 minute run to the city) crowds of people squeezed in and there wasn't room for one
more---no one could move. About 5 minutes into the ride, my spouse (a true ...er....brown belt in creative flatulence) laid what's generally referred to in
the family as one of his instant ox stunners. Without skipping a beat (as it were), he looked at me with absolute disdainful disgust and loudly said, "Oh
my gawd, HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!?!" followed by a considerable show of Academy Award winning material in the area of followup grimaces, gags, coughs, and
groans. Now EVERYONE is looking at me with the unmistakeable "god, you're pig!" expression (and worse), three teenage kids are fervently hoping
to die on the spot, the maggot gagging gas wasn't going anywhere fast, and I had to sit there for another half hour being the object of pure hatred by a
mob of commuters already not in the mood for even a tiny morsel of humor. I tried the old point-at-him-and-assign-correct-blame to no avail. Finally I decided
there was nothing more to lose and let a long raspy vixen explode from my nether cheeks. I thought it would be two years before any of the three kids would
talk to either of us......given the throes of adolescence, that's not altogether such a bad thing. Unfortunately, it didn't work for long. Two days
later, EVERYONE saw the humor in it. Heh.
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joltin j |
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(07/24/08 11:44 AM) |
Being a lady, I never fart in public. Shortly after the birth of my first child, I was grocery shopping. I felt the telltale signs, but no problem as I had
long ago mastered the art of holding them in to save myself embarassment. (as most women do) What a shock when I held it in, but it had other ideas and
traveled a new route that never used to be there and came out in the most embarassing of ways. It followed a tunnel and exited the nearest hole. There was
quite an audible noise as there is some "flappage" in that area. Needless to say, I left the store in a redfaced panic and called my doctor. Turns
out I had developed what is called a fissula sp?, from childbirth. I needed minor surgery to correct it a few months later. I'm telling you these farts
have a distinctive, special noise to them. I pondered overnight weather to share this particular story, but I thought you'd all be enriched by the tale.
Enjoy.
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Mothership |
The best farts... | ||
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(07/24/08 11:59 AM) |
Considering all posts and the last one by another lady I am proud to say I have been ENRICHED today beyond words!
P.S. OH, like you don't believe me? Zanny, honey, I believe you I really really do like a lilac on a spring day! 
P.S.S. The laughing church fart is the worst - so I've been told! 
"I will be as harsh as truth and as uncompromising as justice...I will not retreat a single inch - AND I WILL
BE HEARD." - Wm. Lloyd Garrison
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leftwingnut |
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(07/24/08 12:03 PM) |
Evelyn wrote: You're my kinda gal, Ev... most of the time, anyway...
To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.-Theodore Roosevelt, The Kansas City Star, May 7, 1918 |
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leftwingnut |
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(07/24/08 12:05 PM) |
When I was a young lad, I would sometimes entertain my stoner buddies after toking up by lighting farts... got some pretty good fireballs...
I'm surprised the O2 content is 4%... the colon is generally considered to be an anoxic zone... To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.-Theodore Roosevelt, The Kansas City Star, May 7, 1918 |
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